


when did my life become a series of countdowns?

by Hornswaggler



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: I'm sorry I don't know how to tag this, M/M, Post c02ep95, inspired by the fact that greater restoration costs 100gp of diamond, it's legit just.....a conversation by a lake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22806502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hornswaggler/pseuds/Hornswaggler
Summary: “This is one of the things I missed the most,” the cleric said after a moment. “Someone who...knew her enough to make those kinds of points.”“Well,” Fjord shrugged one shoulder, “I’m kind of...figuring it out as I go.”“That’s all anyone’s doing. But you seem to be figuring it out faster than most.”“And you’re avoiding the actual point,” Fjord said gently. “This is your family, Cad. I think this is as good a reason as you’re about to get to be just a little bit selfish.”
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 25
Kudos: 202





	when did my life become a series of countdowns?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm mostly very happy I got this one done before it inevitably gets jossed by Thursday's episode.
> 
> Please listen to Countdowns by Sleeping At Last and be sad with me over how well it fits Cad's situation with his family.
> 
> let the boys be soft.

“We don’t have enough.”

The words were low, breaking through the strange, abrupt silence that always fell immediately after a fight ended. Fjord pulled in a couple more pointedly slow breaths, one hand propping him up against the closest tree, before he looked up.

He found Caduceus just in time to see the last flickering of the ethereal insects around him fade. There was a soft creaking as the metal plates on the beast they had just taken down seemed to settle, but Caduceus had his eyes locked back through the trampled trees toward the lake.

“Caduceus,” Jester spoke up hesitantly, pushing her way through the branches of one of the trees that had toppled, “your head is -- let me look.”

One hand lifted to his forehead, and Caduceus seemed to be momentarily transfixed by the blood that came away on his fingers. Then the hand dropped and he was striding back to the clearing, apparently deaf to the immediate calls of caution from the others. It was hard to tell whether the brief stumble was the terrain or the culmination of injuries.

Whatever it was didn’t seem to deter him, and Fjord let himself groan once before pushing himself off the tree and following. The gorgon lay forgotten for the moment as they all made their way to the water’s edge at varying speeds and grimaces of pain, ending up in a sort of semi-circle around where Caduceus had stopped a few feet away from the statues.

His people, apparently. His family. And getting more than a second to look now, Fjord could definitely see the resemblance, even with the muted grey color of stone encasing them.

Caduceus had one hand raised toward the nearest figure. His fingers were trembling, and after a second he pulled it back to clench around his staff.

“We don’t have enough,” he repeated. “There’s a spell -- I know the spell that can fix this. I think. But it’s...I can’t do it, not after -- and we don’t --”

The words stalled, and he just kept staring at the statues. It was Jester who stepped up to him first, one hand on his arm as she peered at the frozen faces carefully.

“I know the spell,” she said quietly. “It just...that is a lot of diamonds, isn’t it?”

The nod Caduceus gave was stiff. He took a slow step forward, reaching up again and brushing his fingers down the side of one stone shoulder. “We don’t have enough.”

There was a heavy silence; even the sounds of the jungle life were absent, all temporarily spooked away by the chaos of the fight.

That much was more than a little eerie, especially given where they were, and what the Oasis represented.

Jester chanced a vaguely hopeful look back at Caleb, who just shook his head. She turned back to Caduceus, reaching blindly into a small pouch at her belt and pulling out her diamond, which she immediately held out to him.

“We have the two.” When he just blinked down at her, she took his free hand and pressed the diamond into it. “And maybe that big one, too, remember? We can make it work.”

Two, maybe three diamonds. Four Clays. Caduceus seemed to be doing that math himself, his eyes flickering between the statues.

Then he was laughing, sharper than Fjord had ever heard, and seemed to slump his weight onto his staff. Fjord instinctively shot a look back to Beau, but she looked just as confused as he felt, and just gestured at him vaguely.

Helpful.

Fjord stepped closer, trying not to think about how taken-aback even _Jester_ seemed. He tried to move between Caduceus and the statues, but it wasn’t like he was able to block them all.

“Let’s take a breather,” Fjord said quietly. “We’ve got some time, right?”

He realized, a little late, that he was still holding his sword, and immediately sent it away. The small puff of snow melted the instant it hit the ground, and Fjord reached up before he could even think to hesitate, putting the now free hand on the side of Caduceus’ head where the blood was caking his hair. The fight had already taken a lot out of him, and he didn’t have much in the way of healing in the first place, but he pulled every bit of it forward to mend what he could. There was a small bit of satisfaction, even in the middle of this mess, to see the brief faint glow around his hand; it might not rival what Jester could do, but it felt better than nothing.

Even more so when Caduceus finally met his eyes, and the laughter died off as abruptly as it had started.

“I have to pick,” the cleric said hoarsely, “which of my family to bring back first. And there will be... _someone_ is going to be unhappy about the decision, no matter what it is.”

“We’ll make it work.” Fjord kept his hand in place for the moment, holding the eye contact firmly, hoping he managed to sound a little more sure than he felt. “No one can do anything right anyway -- that right, guys?”

Caleb blinked hard when Fjord looked over at him, and his hand went to clutch at where the stone hung from his belt.

“I am...not even sure I can do anything at all,” he said. “This is not dispelling any magical effect or -- I don’t even know whether our spell for Nott would work, not if they are unaware of it.” There was a brief pause and Caleb shrugged one shoulder wearily. “I am tapped for the day regardless. Anything I do is going to be very basic and it is going to take a while.”

“Maybe start one of those basic slow things now,” Beau suggested. She was leaning heavily against the hulking statue of a bear, one arm wrapped around ribs that were probably cracked at the very least. “I dunno what we’re gonna find in that cave, but we’re sure as shit not doing it tonight, and lying down sounds _real_ nice right about now.”

Caleb seemed to turn that over in his mind quickly before he nodded, rummaging through one of his pouches as he turned and started scanning the ground, already muttering under his breath.

“I can do a look around the perimeter,” Yasha spoke up. “Make sure we’re okay. Nott,” she looked down at the goblin, nodding back toward the treeline, “would you like to come?”

Nott glanced between Yasha and Caleb, but only once, before she nodded. Her hand darted down to where Fjord knew her flask usually hung and there was a brief grimace when it met empty air, but then she nodded again a little more firmly and kept step with Yasha as they headed away from the lake.

Fjord realized his hand was still on Caduceus’ head and let it drop, taking a slightly self-conscious half step back.

“We’ll see what we can do in the morning,” he said. “They’ll be fine for tonight.”

“Yeah,” Jester agreed immediately, “I mean they’ve been here for...what, a really long time, right? What’s one more night?”

There were heavy lines around Caduceus’ eyes as he squeezed them shut for a second, pulling in and releasing a slow breath. Then they opened and he nodded, making a valiant effort to pull on his usual grin.

The fact that it was so unconvincing was just as concerning as the fact that he was trying to force it in the first place.

“We don’t know what’s still out here.” His voice was steadier, but there was still a little bit of the shakiness clinging to the edges of it. “I can take the first watch tonight.”

Jester frowned immediately. “Caduceus --”

“It’s okay,” he cut in. “You know as well as I do that I’m not going to sleep right away. But I will.”

She still seemed skeptical. Eyed Caduceus for a few more moments before giving Fjord a strangely pointed look.

Then nodded, stepping in and wrapping her arms around the other cleric in a tight hug. He returned it almost immediately, resting his chin between her horns.

“We can fix them,” Jester said, slightly muffled against his breastplate. “We _will_ fix them, okay?”

Caduceus hesitated a second before he nodded, giving her a quick squeeze.

“Thank you, Jester.”

She stepped away, giving Caduceus an encouraging nod, and then turning to shoot Fjord another look that he felt was supposed to be significant.

Of course, he figured, she would've clocked him easily. Jester, who saw romance novels in everything, would have noticed --

But that was irrelevant. That was something Fjord had carefully put to the side because it wasn't an option, right? He hadn't seen any signs of -- he would've seen signs.

Irrelevant for the moment, and Fjord settled for giving a very quick confused look in response before Jester turned and headed over to where Caleb was now sitting cross-legged in the grass.

That just left Fjord standing between Caduceus and the statues he was staring at again.

Fjord pushed down the immediate thoughts that he was _vastly_ underqualified for this sort of thing, that it was definitely not his speciality, because these days it kind of seemed like it might be. They had already dealt with his whole...mess of personal issues, and apparently he just got to go first, because now it was everyone else’s turn.

All at once.

Between Nott with her transformation, Caleb getting blindsided by his old teacher, Beau having to face down her father, Yasha being forced to turn against her friends, Jester finding out her god wasn’t even really a god, and now Caduceus finding his family encased in stone…

Maybe it was his specialty. Or at least his responsibility, in part. He’d already faced down his personal demons -- or, rather, personal terrifying sea serpent abominations -- and now every one of his own goals came down to, at their root, helping these people.

Keep them safe. Maybe keep them from having a full breakdown beside a lake they still knew very little about.

“Let’s sit down, huh?”

It took a second for Caduceus to react, but he nodded again, seeming to put a lot of effort into pulling his eyes away from the statues.

Fjord led him away with a light hand on his arm, finding an area right by the water’s edge that was clear of any stone figures, animals or otherwise. He didn’t bother trying to hide the relieved sigh as he sat, taking a moment to try and stretch out the cricks in...well, every part of him.

They’d seen worse than the gorgon. Survived worse, barely scraped by a lot worse.

Still, having to keep it as far away from the statues as possible while avoiding being gored by those damn horns when none of them were in top shape had been...a challenge.

Caduceus sat beside him, his own slow breath sounding more like he was trying to make sure it was still steady. He kept his eyes forward, watching the water intently, and for a minute Fjord could almost pretend the feeling was peaceful instead of strained.

They were quiet for a while. Caleb falling silent behind them indicated the dome was done, and Jester’s current conversation went a little quieter as she apparently entered it.

“Thank you,” Caduceus said suddenly, one hand lifting to gesture at the side of his head. “You’re really coming into that kind of thing well.”

Fjord grinned hesitantly, shrugging one shoulder. “Well, I am learning from the best.”

“That’s not something I know how to do.” He turned then, meeting Fjord’s eyes, and there was a weariness behind them that was definitely not there most of the time. “What Jester and I do is a different…it’s similar outcomes, but different methods. We don’t always know how effective it will be until it happens. What you’re doing takes more control.”

Fjord blinked. “What, it’s not -- I had assumed it was the same spell.”

That got the hint of a real smile as Caduceus shook his head. “You could still learn what we’re doing, I’m sure. But from what I know, your healing right now is specifically tied to paladins. Takes a...bit of a steadier hand, I’d say.”

It was tempting to laugh as Fjord recalled the many, _many_ times his hands had been anything but steady. But he also remembered holding the falchion above the lava, the strange sense of calm despite the flaring pain in his chest and the heat searing his arm.

Maybe there was something to that.

“I’m just glad I can help these days,” Fjord said. “I mean, help more than making the horrifying immortal abominations think we’re friends.”

“I would say that was some very important help.” Caduceus looked back over the water again, leaning forward to rest his arms on his knees. “It’s good to make friends.”

Fjord watched him for another few moments before looking away too. He could talk to people just fine, but he had never been the best at reading them, and Caduceus was one of the trickier ones. Even so, the attempts at acting like things were relatively normal were pretty obvious for being just that -- attempts.

After this long with the Nein, he had a good idea of how to talk about important things with a number of them. If it were Beau, he’d prod at the subject through all of her attempts to veer off onto something easier to talk about. If it were Caleb, he might talk around it, probably use some purely hypotheticals, pull up the reminders of all of the good they had done and the terrible things they’d prevented. Jester would probably need a direct question to keep her from beating around the bush and covering everything in her usual jokes and grins.

But so far the situation had been mostly reversed, with Caduceus being the one to offer his sage advice and assurances. Fjord didn’t have much of any experience with things the other way around.

He was spared, though, when Caduceus sighed, bringing his staff to lay across his legs.

“The Stones may still be around,” he said, his voice low. “If they were...petrified like that, they need to be brought back, too. Someone has to look after the place.”

Fjord nodded slowly, leaning back on his hands. The grass had an odd texture to it, and when he looked down he could see small blooms of fungus spreading out from where Caduceus sat.

Unconsciously setting things to decay. That felt fitting, and also a little unsettling.

Not even a bad unsettling these days, though. More just the reminder of how much Fjord didn't know. Beautiful in its own way.

Just like --

Nope. Irrelevant.

“We know where it is now,” Fjord said, wresting his mind away from that line of thought. “Still got a good amount of gold, we can spring for a couple more diamonds once we get back to civilization.”

Caduceus shook his head minutely and shot a glance over his shoulder toward the mouth of the cavern.

“What if I’m supposed to...bring them back first?” He seemed to tear his eyes away, looking down at where he was restlessly spinning the staff in his hands. “We need to have the three families, and right now there are only two.”

“There _might_ only be two,” Fjord corrected. “For all we know they holed up down there, somewhere that damn thing couldn’t fit. They could be fine.” He shifted enough to face Caduceus a little better, trying for a grin. “Could’ve been praying for a miracle to come by and get rid of it.”

There was a short pause before the words seemed to click the way he’d intended, and Caduceus had that small start of a real smile when he looked over.

“Getting good at those words of wisdom, too,” he muttered.

Fjord scoffed lightly. “Don’t think those count, but…” He did a sweeping look of the lakeside and the scattered animals frozen in place. Took a second to chew on his bottom lip before sitting up and turning to look at Caduceus directly. “You don’t see a wolf pack worrying about their impact on the forest over feeding their pups. No bird is about to avoid taking a worm because it might mean too few moths that season. You really think she’s going to fault you for putting your family first this once?”

It felt like a bit of a reach, but the way Caduceus’ brow furrowed some in thought was encouraging.

“This is one of the things I missed the most,” the cleric said after a moment. “Someone who...knew her enough to make those kinds of points.”

“Well,” Fjord shrugged one shoulder, “I’m kind of...figuring it out as I go.”

“That’s all anyone’s doing. But you seem to be figuring it out faster than most.”

“And you’re avoiding the _actual_ point,” Fjord said gently. “This is your family, Cad. I think this is as good a reason as you’re about to get to be just a little bit selfish.”

Caduceus blinked and looked down again. Fjord let the silence stretch, the sounds of Jester and Beau’s low conversation behind them being the only thing louder than the breeze.

That seemed to be one of the keys to this sort of thing with him; Caduceus didn’t need the prodding questions or hypotheticals. Apparently he just needed something of a sounding board, and enough time to consider things himself.

"I tried not to be angry with them," he said eventually, apparently directing it at the ground. "I really tried, because I knew there must have been...some reason they hadn't sent any messages. But since the only explanation for that would be something like this," he gestured with one hand at the Oasis as a whole, "or something worse...I didn't want them to have a good reason. So I assigned them a bad one and I was angry about it."

Fjord nodded slowly, piecing his words together very deliberately.

"I think you’re allowed to be angry. You know they’re not at fault,” he cut off what looked like an impending disagreement, raising one hand a little, “and now we know what was, and we killed it. That fixes the immediate threat, but it doesn’t fix everything that came before it. That thing took your family away for...a really long time, it seems. That _sucks_ , and it’s okay to be mad about that.”

Caduceus pulled in a slow breath, and it definitely shook at the edges. He seemed determined to not look up, hands tightly clenched around his staff. “I shouldn’t have doubted in the first place, though. Not them. Especially not her.”

Fjord actually laughed shortly at that, and it was worth it if just for the fact that it drew Caduceus’ eyes. “If doubting is the problem, then I’m in real trouble,” he said. “I doubt shit every single day, I am a...fucking bundle of doubts stuffed into armor. I’m doubting these peace talks will manage much, and I’ll be pissed if they fail, because that situation will suck. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up on them.”

When Caduceus started to look down again, Fjord reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, stubbornly trying to hold whatever eye contact he could.

" _That’s_ what faith is, Cad. You’re allowed to doubt things and feel shitty when they go wrong. Faith is pressing on anyway, because it…” He hesitated a second, shooting an almost furtive glance at the dark green dome. “The Traveler, or...whoever the hell he is, he was wrong. It’s not chaos. Or it’s...chaos in the way nature is chaos; always moving toward something, whether we see it or not.”

Caduceus seemed to try for a chuckle, and it almost came out half convincing. There was a sheen in his eyes that Fjord had only seen once or twice before, but the small smile looked like a genuine one.

“Spoken like a true paladin,” the cleric murmured.

“Well, like I said,” Fjord slid his hand down to cover one of Caduceus’ and squeezed it quickly, “I learned from the best. We’re going to fix them, and no matter how this reunion goes -- whether it’s an ideal one or kind of a mess -- you won’t be alone for it, okay?”

Caduceus just nodded slowly, his eyes turning down as he flipped his hand over and running his thumb lightly across Fjord’s knuckles.

When he looked up again, Fjord felt something suddenly catch in his throat, and had the brief warring instincts to both look anywhere else and to hold those eyes as long as he could.

Then Caduceus suddenly moved forward, and the brief, chaste kiss might have been the last thing Fjord had been expecting.

It was just long enough for him to begin to lean in to respond, because shit, _shit_ , he hadn’t thought -- since when was that an option --

And then Caduceus had pulled back, and Fjord had to take a second to get his breathing working again before he opened his eyes. He was met with a look that seemed equal parts hopeful and wary, like Caduceus was expecting some kind of immediate protest.

He still looked like he’d just come out of a fight with a giant metal ox. Still had blood at his hairline, still had that sheen in his eyes, and _dear Melora_ he was beautiful.

Fjord couldn’t find any words that didn’t seem immensely stupid, so he just grinned, and the wariness faded from Caduceus’ face almost immediately.

“Takes some faith,” Caduceus said quietly, and he turned again to look back over the lake.

He didn’t let go of Fjord’s hand, though. Held onto it a bit tighter than expected, and that was understandable.

Fjord let himself stare a few moments longer before he turned to watch forest canopy, where he could begin to see the movement of whatever nocturnal creatures were working up the courage to return to the area now that the fight was over. The birds were steadily returning to their regular song, and he let the sounds of nature encroaching again act as some kind of encouragement.

Feeling Caduceus lean a little into his shoulder and knowing even the start of what they were going to face in the morning, Fjord figured he would take all the encouragement he could get.

At the very least, they had a little faith.

**Author's Note:**

> I yell a lot on my [Tumblr](http://johnandrasjaqobis.tumblr.com).


End file.
